Memories are generally the one thing we all treasure. We get told from an early age to make as many as possible, and we do. We all have amazing memories, but we have our fair share of sad and ugly too. The sad thing is that the bad, the ugly, the hurtful ones, kills off all the memories made, that was meant to last a lifetime.
Over the years, I’ve had so many bad ones, I blocked it out and replaced most of it with exciting new ones. I fell in love. I got my drivers license. I got a diamond ring, much bigger than I expected, still feels like it was yesterday. I fell in love even deeper and married the man of my dreams. We have the most beautiful children. I have so many precious memories with my family that’s passed on. We make new memories every day, at least I do.
Unfortunately most of my new memories are terrible. It’s months of hurt, and disappointments. Lies and more lies. The list is never ending. Today I decided if I could suppress bad memories for 40 odd years, I can start again. I’m making new, happy ones, without the people that killed the good ones in the 1st place. I’m trying to improve my anxiety. I’m trying to be more trusting,but hell, it’s a struggle.
A few days ago I read a blog, and it said that our anxiety should be named. So I can now formally introduced myself. My new me, is Sophie. She’s my sad me, my heartsore me, my crazy, worry wort me.
I’m afraid, I’m scared, I’m anxious. I feel sick to my stomach. I’m too scared to say or do anything. Since standing up for what I want and what I believe in, I drove away everyone. I’m the dark soul, I’m stuck. I’m done.
#ImBeingKind #StupidIdiot
I endure everyone’s moods, and attitudes, because I’m a sucker. I’m an ass. I’m writing this, thinking is it even worth putting my feelings into words. I’m struggling with hatred and anger, but my anxiety is eating me alive. I am here, mentally, because of so many different reasons, people and situations. I am here, because I allowed it. I’m back to where I started. Afraid to speak up. Afraid to say anything at all. We no longer talk. We no longer do what we discussed. I need you to forget me. It’s ok, I still have One friend, and that’s the only one I want. You are my anchor.
Guess your love is all that keeps me going. I’ll overlook your moods. I’ll overlook your stress. I’ll overlook the way you don’t talk to me. I’ll overlook the way you starting to avoid me. Going back to our old habits. I’ll overlook whatever is needed, to keep you safe, happy and mine. My anxiety is working on your nerves. Yes, I know this. Silly season is upon us all. Guess I’m stuck in silly season, till the end of time.
“Every word from you, every touch, every look, any scrap of attention, is my sanity”
#WhoNeedsFriends #JustSomeoneIUsedToKnow
Every breath I take, is an accomplishment. I’m dangling on the edge. I need your arms around me. I need your understanding, I just need You.
The says are darker than the nights. I’ve lost 2 friends in less than two months, my best friend lost her mommy and yesterday Her x-husband, father and grandpa to their grandson. I’m broken, a loss for words, I feel empty and sad, upset, cross, and lifeless
How do you set all your emotions????????
How do you just let go
What do you let go of?????
Fear and shock, anger and disbelief
I’m alone, lonely , sad to the core. I have no friends by choice, but that doesn’t mean it’s not hard. Pretending to be happy is so hard.
I see my husband with our children, and I’m so proud. They carbon copies of him . So perfect, so beautiful and weasel blessed.
I woke up sad today. Heart in the dark, my mood in the dark, y head in its self. I’m tired. I know they love me
Why Me😢 why must I struggle with all my demons alone.
I feel empty. Actually I don’t know how I feel. I’ve got no desire to do anything. Would love to travel, but no Money and definitely no friends.
I guess YOU and I are back to square 1. No more real chat, no more forehead kisses, no more coffee dates. Actually no more off anything…..
He’s lucky to travel for work, and has a fun time, with fun people. I stay home looking after the house, kids and animals. I don’t work, so this is my punishment.
IN one week the golfer boys are going on tour, I’ll be home. Same old, same old. Worry eats me from the inside out, he forgets about me. I deserve it though. I’m a stress ball just jacking up his mood.
This one’s for you Boy
Being loved I’d just a habit
These are my thoughts and feelings
I’m at the edge, I’m surprisingly not scarred.I’m just empty, lonely and misunderstood, and under loved
This is my mind
I am lonely and afraid of what my marriage will yield
Here I am. Sitting in my car for the last 45mins. I just realized I don’t feel much anymore. I think I’m numb, or cured…… the hell I know!
I have my days. I watch sad movies and cry, happy movies and I cry, love stories and I cry.
We watched a new Netflix series and it was so my life of the past 3 years. So many moments, so many memories and the stupid character even has the name of the red haired devil that was( I hope) in love with my husband. It’s true. We all get complacent and then life moves on. We get used to the way it is. We tell ourselves, it’s ok. We say we are happy. We make the world believe all is happiness and sunshine.
I chose the life I’m living. I chose to not see the wrongs. I chose to keep my life as is, or I would have to loose it all. Some people says” What’s goes around, comes around” I tried many things in our marriage, and wow, was it great, but only for a while. New friends, but then it gets stale. New hair do, but then I tire of it. I lost weight, put it back on again. We even rewrote our love story, but it only lasted a little while. He promised to write me, tell me how he feels, but, whatever. I chose this!!!!!!
This is what keeps me going. A hand full of schedule 5 and 6 meds morning and night. It keeps me alive, happy and I don’t feel. My hatred is gone. My eyes have opened and so has my mouth. It’s so freeing, speaking up for myself. It’s still scary, but I now have the upper hand. I am blessed with a family and a life, most people envy. I have a husband most women covet. I am the wife most men want, not for looks or any of those things, but for what I am. I give, I take, I love, I understand, I share and I pray, and I say thank you everyday that he loves ME
What a tiring day! It started with a bang. And boy, did the tea spill ……
Confusion, anger, jealousy, and not knowing surfaced it’s ugly head early this morning. I off course had nothing to do with the situation, but I got HELL for it.
You see, I have been with my husband for more than 30 years and it’s had its up and downs. He’s a man that does what he wants and I don’t want to tell him otherwise. As long as he’s not unfaithful, I can’t choose whom he may be friends with. I know I’m right! He’s a grown ass man, and we no longer take ultimatums.
My BFF and her new man which by the way she had a love affair with , while being married, popped into my store today. Right off the bat, I was asked, why my husband , befriended a woman friend, he ex knows, like I was what???? He’s not even in town, and has no communication, but I listened anyway.
Shit!! She blew it out of proportion and fucked up my day. My anxiety was through the roof. I felt like telling her to just shut up and go away. We had words, and she told me to choose, him or her……. so funny I thought. You had the affair. You left your husband and now I have to choose?
I’m an adult. My days are long, frustrating and I sure as shit don’t have time for crap. Over and out
Every friend I’ve ever loved, hurt me, lied to me, used me and tried to steal my family – Well guess what! FUCK THEM. MY LIFE, MY RULES
In the last few years, I’ve grown. I’ve become a slight bit stronger, but mostly wiser. As I’ve said before, I’ve fired all my friends, and they are people I used to know.
The last couple of weeks, my only friend confessed, that she loves her ex, even though she’s getting married soon. I was shocked, but also always knew it. They divorced on lies, deceit and anger. They can’t speak to each other, but when they do……. THEY SCREAM 🤬🤬🤬 I’ve heard her side of the story and we have had our own issues. She was one of the ladies chatting up my stupid husband, cause her man neglected her. MEN ARE SUCH STUPID ASSES. ALL BALLS ⚽️ AND NO BRAINS 🧠
Our friendship was the best thing ever, but with time, we handled it like a marriage, within a marriage. We all truly loved each other, and I think we all still do. Friends for life ( WE CALLED IT THE 5 YEAR PLAN) That just meant everything in 5 year increments. Needles to say, it was a crock of shit! We have children, they don’t. We live in different towns, and we always ended up driving. She was my best friend for the 1st time since I was 12. I adore her, still. She speaks rudely to me, but I used to eat it up, but thanks to my meds, I now have a very loud and proud voice.
So, she had a relationship in her marriage with another man that was engaged at the time. Her hubby was none the wiser, and with time, deterioration showed through. I was shocked, beyond belief and took her side, as for the reasons she gave me was so legit!!!!!! It came to light a few weeks ago, that this thing started in 2018 already. My heart! I was hurt, I am still. Why the need to lie to me? Geez, am I such a crappy friend
Now, a year plus later, my psychiatrist advised me to sort out my last threads to them. I’ve decided I need the story from his side, as I’ve been hearing loads of stories, and it’s all bullshit! As a common curtesy I told her, I texted him for a coffee, but he sadly declined. Said he’s not ready to see us yet. Thats when the 💩 hit the fan
She texted me, the following…….. How dare I….. I should have know I’m hurting her, and if I’m gonna be his friend, we can no longer be friends. THE END……………
Well, not for me, my anxiety immediately kicked in. Nausea, shaking, trembling and eventually exhaustion. I though about it and replied….. “If you don’t want to be my friend, because I need to cut all ties, then I’ll cut ties with you too, it will take me a long time, but I’ll get stronger, day by day.” My mental health is my priority and my life is my own to live. I can not give up on my people, but they already gave up on me. My family has my back and are front and centre, but the people I used to know, they are way way way back in 2019, pre COVID, where I left them .I’m frustrated with all the lies, and I don’t want to choose sides. This is a couple I adored. Their families hated me, thinking I broke them up, like why the hell me! I’ve never ever been unfaithful or hurtful to others, but I always get the blame.
We met the new love interest and he seems pretty cool. ( her family is in love with him) DUMB ASSES -He’s much Younger than all of us, but a dad to 3 and a grandpa to 1. I’ve now come to see that he’s controlling, jealous, but most of us manipulating. Seems I’ve been bad mouthed to him too. I wanna cut my last threads, and carry on living a free life.
So these last few months have been weird. I have no real feelings. I actually don’t know how to take stock of my feelings anymore. I’m still very needy, but apparently it’s my depression talking. I constantly worry about if he still loves me. I ask and get very strict, harsh replies, mostly blaming my anxiety. You know!,,,,,,, that crazy mind of mine is just broken.
I can’t even cry anymore. I get super lonely, and tried joining a anxiety chat group, but 2 days in, and the guys tried chatting me up. Like I told them my soppy story of all the shit and deceit that I endured, and the assholes still tried to get me to private chat to them. Like WTF,,,,,,,, I’m anxious and depressed, not horny and deprived.
My one “ true” friend is another one that hurts me. The lies are getting bigger, and I catch on quick. I miss my friends, but can’t chance loosing my husband. I want to go Away somewhere by myself, but where? Hubby is the corporate butterfly. Always meetings, breakfasts,,weekly golf and off course the traveling. I haven’t travelled alone for 21 years Or so. Since I became a mom.
We spend no real time together and the time we do, we watch tv, play on out IPads or sleep. I miss you, I miss me, but most of all I miss US
Where do I start? How do I put words to feelings? How do I put my feelings to words?
I’m not sure, but I guess I’ve been suffering from anxiety since I can remember. I never knew what it was, but I knew there was was something wrong with me since an early age. I put it to being afraid of heights, close spaces, random people etc. etc.
I don’t know how to explain what I feel. I’m desperately lonely and I’m afraid of being invisible. I have two beautiful healthy teenagers, but they do t seem to like me much. I always get accused of being weird, miserable, moody and they prefer their father.
I don’t know why, but I’m tired of my stupid life. I get treated like poop, daily and I’m just done. I’m on handfuls of pills and I try. I seriously try. My heart is heavy, mood is low, my eyes are tired of looking for a positive. I’m always wrong, I’m always left out. I wanna disappear and not return, I don’t think I’ll be missed at all. I’ll be replaced in a second.
Everyone has gone back to the way things were before. Apparently I live in the past. Our love story has turned to shit. We live past each other, my anxiety and depression is getting me down. I want to be different, better. I sleep next too stranger, we no longer talk. I’m just here, or am i?
How do you really know? How well do you know each other. My anxiety snd Anger becomes 1. I’m pissed off for not knowing. Does he really love me! This last year has been HELL. The anxiety snd depression is gonna be the end of me. He’s driving me to the point of no return.
I wish I had a magic wand to cast a spell and forget I met some people. Maybe even You.
I’ve become shell of myself, in your eyes I’m weak, but boy, I’m a child of a very Mighty God, snd I’ll rise again
My husband travels a lot. He’s always busy on Saturday’s with sport etc. Which he deserves I guess. We went away as a family, last weekend, snd spent so much of it together, yet very separate. My interests are different. I like the sun and the water, He doesn’t. He’s a stay inside,use the aircon kinda guy. So my question is why go away, if we could have do e it at home. We have a massive pool and our home is airconditioned.
I was alone. My kids dislike me, because of my anxiety. They disrespect me. I allow it, to avoid fights or as they say arguments. I see myself as a good mom and wife, but maybe I’m blind to myself. I mostly spend time by myself. I have more friends. I decided to let them go. If a girl tells your husband she likes or loves him, they have to disappear. I’d rather be alone and anxious, then be alone forever
I always say I’ll die for those I love! Wonder, will they for me?????
I’m not mental, I’m just alone and neglected. I started new meds today, round number 5 in the last 1 1/2 years. My anxiety has become full blown depression now too. Fck, maybe I am mental!!!!! Time will tell.
I’m over your mood swings. I’m over being scared of you. I’m over of the way I get treated. My anxiety and depression is mostly because of you!! Your unfaithfulness fucked me up and a year later, I’m still paying for it. You never open up. You keep to yourself. I’m tired to death. I’m stupid in love, but are you truly in love with me or was it just a plaster to stop the bleeding? I don’t understand you at all. Guess that’s why your family hates me. Maybe it time for to be a man, and treat me like you promised you would!
I’m regretting ever telling anyone I suffer from anxiety. Now I suffer with full ti,e depression too. In a few days I’m starting new meds. Yeah, something new and exciting. I’m so alone, we argue all the time again. I no longer have any friends. I fired them all. I eat, work, sleep and repeat. I never travel, I never go on coffee dates etc. I’m home, I clean, I wash, iron etc. Must admit, I suck at it, but I still do it anyway.
It’s a Sophie Thing - My journey with Anxiety, Depression and Deceit 