Memories are generally the one thing we all treasure. We get told from an early age to make as many as possible, and we do. We all have amazing memories, but we have our fair share of sad and ugly too. The sad thing is that the bad, the ugly, the hurtful ones, kills off all the memories made, that was meant to last a lifetime.
Over the years, I’ve had so many bad ones, I blocked it out and replaced most of it with exciting new ones. I fell in love. I got my drivers license. I got a diamond ring, much bigger than I expected, still feels like it was yesterday. I fell in love even deeper and married the man of my dreams. We have the most beautiful children. I have so many precious memories with my family that’s passed on. We make new memories every day, at least I do.
Unfortunately most of my new memories are terrible. It’s months of hurt, and disappointments. Lies and more lies. The list is never ending. Today I decided if I could suppress bad memories for 40 odd years, I can start again. I’m making new, happy ones, without the people that killed the good ones in the 1st place. I’m trying to improve my anxiety. I’m trying to be more trusting,but hell, it’s a struggle.
A few days ago I read a blog, and it said that our anxiety should be named. So I can now formally introduced myself. My new me, is Sophie. She’s my sad me, my heartsore me, my crazy, worry wort me.
I’m afraid, I’m scared, I’m anxious. I feel sick to my stomach. I’m too scared to say or do anything. Since standing up for what I want and what I believe in, I drove away everyone. I’m the dark soul, I’m stuck. I’m done.
I endure everyone’s moods, and attitudes, because I’m a sucker. I’m an ass. I’m writing this, thinking is it even worth putting my feelings into words. I’m struggling with hatred and anger, but my anxiety is eating me alive. I am here, mentally, because of so many different reasons, people and situations. I am here, because I allowed it. I’m back to where I started. Afraid to speak up. Afraid to say anything at all. We no longer talk. We no longer do what we discussed. I need you to forget me. It’s ok, I still have One friend, and that’s the only one I want. You are my anchor.
Guess your love is all that keeps me going. I’ll overlook your moods. I’ll overlook your stress. I’ll overlook the way you don’t talk to me. I’ll overlook the way you starting to avoid me. Going back to our old habits. I’ll overlook whatever is needed, to keep you safe, happy and mine. My anxiety is working on your nerves. Yes, I know this. Silly season is upon us all. Guess I’m stuck in silly season, till the end of time.
“Every word from you, every touch, every look, any scrap of attention, is my sanity”
Every breath I take, is an accomplishment. I’m dangling on the edge. I need your arms around me. I need your understanding, I just need You.
After reading my last rant, my husband wrote me a very long, very detailed letter, and I feel amazing. He Loves me, like I Love him. I guess it took him, to set me straight at last. You see, he has always loved me, but in a non verbal, non expressive way. He admits, we became complacent and I admit, I played the blaming game. From a young age he always said, You can never blame yourself, so blame someone else. I think we both did it, and we were both blinded by others. He never sees the bad in people, and that’s mostly what I see.
He’s the kind hearted, super intelligent beautiful man, that MARRIED ME. I am the One, but at a time, a few things changed and he tried fixing others and in the Process, I broke. He now sees what I see. We writing a beautiful new love story daily, and we talk. Well, I still talk, he still listens. He sets my anxiety in its place, and Sophie is on her way to a sea side town, I’ve officially gifted her to my Frenemy……
I’ve started new Meds for my Anxiety and Depression, and I’m on pure CBD. It has no THC and not harmful to my meds in any way. I’m more relaxed, less stressed and more in love than ever before.
So here it goes…….
I am sorry for being blind
I’m sorry I never spoke up
I’m sorry I kept all our “friends we used to know” close, because I wanted friends
I’m sorry, for being unfair
I’m sorry, for all the tears, and the moods
I’m sorry I let you into my inner circle and they took advantage of you
I’m sorry I never saw, your goodness, as attention to those whom desired it. I saw only You
I’m Happy You and I are – US again – Full Stop 🛑
I’m happy you desire me
I’m happy you choose me daily
I’m happy we have the family we deserve, that we could have lost it so easily.
I’m happy I grew Balls, and that I grabbed you by yours
I’m happy we never gave up, instead, we decided to rid our lives of the poison that tried to destroy Us
In closing : WE LOST NOTHING, NO ONE – THEY LOST US, THEY LOST A GREAT FAMILY AND LOYAL FRIENDS INSTEAD.
Because You give attention and loan a shoulder to cry on, does not mean you available or that you want them. It means you have morals, standards and good manners. I’m proud to say, our Children take after You, with my moods
We were both wrong, I can’t say sorry enough for the hurt I made us endure, but no more!!!
We daily wish for so many things, but there’s a difference between a want and a need. You might want something, not really need it, yet we still wish for it. My wishes, wants and needs are mostly the same. I wish less than I pray, but I guess it’s the same thing. So here goes my list:
Wants and Wishes vs. Wants and Needs
Where does a person start????? Probably at the beginning, as we all have endings that killed a part of our souls, our inner child etc. My biggest wish, want and need is to loved, understood and get your attention without begging for it. My biggest wish is to not love you the way I do. I wish, I could be like the other people in your life. I’m not as exciting as your friends. I don’t partake in your sport. I don’t fit into your life. I don’t belong in your social world. I need a place in life, and I have no place, but with you. I wish I had more to offer you. I wish I was the person without feelings. I wish I was unfaithful and blind like you. I wish I didn’t love you at all. ( I wish I would stop lying to myself!!!! You are all I want to love, and I will never deceive or hurt you ever) I need to love you, as you are all I have. I wish I wasn’t broken, ugly, and so desperate for your attention. I wish I was perfect. I wish I was meant for you. I wish and pray to be the One, always and forever. I wish my anxiety and my depression was not due to you and them. I wish my anxiety never happened when they died. I sometimes wish I took that handful of pills and at the same time, I wish I never had those thoughts or feelings at all
My wants, needs and wishes
1/ I wish to be your main priority – always and forever
2/ I Need to be your main priority without asking for constant reassurance. I need your compliments, I need you to talk to me. I need a ego boost. I need you to ask how I’m doing, I need chatter when I least expect it. I need you to worry about my wellbeing too. I need you to see the real anxiety filled me. I need you open up your heart to me. Even a text now and then will make me feel less like a nothing. I need to feel more than they ever were. After all, I am your wife and you are mine!!!!
3/ I wish to not wonder and worry all the time. I wish your old ways won’t surface. I wish you never convinced me that I was the one, but I’m so thankful you chose me.
4/ I Need to have no worries, I don’t want to wonder anymore. Am I the one? I need to know. I want to know more. I want your soul, like I sold mine for you. I need to not check up on who is online. I need to not worry whom you always chatting to. I know, you will never hurt me again, but I’m struggling to understand the concept. I need to understand how you think, you are a mind assassin. I need to know what you think, how you feel. I need You
5/ I wish they never existed in my life. Our life. I wish Our “FRIENDS” never took you from me. They killed the real me, but brought out the warrior in me. I wish I was stronger sooner. I wish I told them to fuck off sooner. I wish I wasn’t this scared child of abandonment. I wish I had the life you had growing up.
6/ I Need them to disappear out my life for good. You don’t understand hurt. I’ve never hurt you ever like that. I need you to see what I see, feel what I feel. I need you to take my side, my feelings into consideration. I need you to stop being so hard on me. I need you to talk to Me. Your friends and my “Ex Friends” are more to you than me. You’ve always taken their side, you don’t see the bad in others, and they took you. I need your full attention, before I’m lost forever. Your friendship to them, became what I now hate.
7/ I wish my anxiety and depression was a farce not a lifestyle. I wish I told you years ago. I wish I never told you at all. I wish I was normal. I wish I was not me. I wish I was different. I wish I was not a shell of myself. I wish I was strong, a bitch, a hard ass.
8/ I Need my anxiety and depression to be gone. I need you to see me. I need you to see my side of life. I need you to understand. I need you to love me unconditionally. I know you already do, I need to feel it, see it more. I need you to want me with all my shit, my issues, my anger, my broken heart and anguish. You only see my anxiety and depression, you no longer see Me. You see what you want to see, and I’ve no idea what it is.
9/ I wish I was a different me, the happy me, We used to know. I wish I was her. I wish I was what you craved, not just loved
10/ I Need to be a different me, the old one you fell in love with. Over the years, I became lesser than you needed and wanted. I need you to love me. I need what you gave her!!!!!!!!! I need to know what it was. You know what it was. I know it meant more to you. I need you to admit it, just once will be ok.
11/ I wish you text and phone me 1st, without obligation or guilt. I wish I was on your mind, like she was. Silly I guess, but still a wish. My wish for you to change, be a better husband and friend, already came true, but will it last????
12/ I Need you to think of me, as I think of you, and I worry I’m never on your mind. You falling back into your old ways, your old patterns. I need you to make me feel important and not a pain in the ass as always. I no longer want to feel guilty for texting you. You chat more to others daily, than to me all week. I know I irritate you with my message of love etc. I need you to tell me what kind of chattery you want. I will do whatever you want. I always have
13/ I wish you shared more with me than with her. I wish She didn’t know your inner feelings, your love, I wish she didn’t know You at all.
14/ I Need you to open up to me, share your feelings, (in time you said) compliment me, without me constantly asking if you love me, if I’m too much, if you proud of me etc. My anxiety grows daily when I’m with and without you. I need to know you. 30 years and I still don’t know the real you. I’m petrified I’m gonna loose you. Laying in your arms is all that saves me daily. I need to know more than you willing to share. I need to tell you things, but I’m ashamed, as I might destroy how you feel about me. I need to tell you what I discovered during my psycho sessions. It’s terrible, but it’s all true
15/ I wish I had the guts to be unfaithful, maybe then I’ll be on your radar. You can then fix me, like you fixed her. I know a mental affair is by far worse than a physical affair. It’s mind numbing and poison to your soul
16/ I Need to be on your radar, I’ve never been unfaithful, not ever, I’m too in love with You, to do that. I need to know what to do to be important. I need to be all you want. I need you to express your feelings. Do I need to have affair or be a bad wife to get your attention????
17/ I wish happiness on others, I doubt anyone wants me to be happy. I wish I wasn’t Humpty Dumpty. I wish I wasn’t so broken, shattered, pieces missing. You can’t fix, what’s broken, especially if it’s shattered and pieces are missing.
18/ I Need my own happiness, my sadness is killing me. I need you to give me more attention than your iPad and chat groups. Maybe this is a wish, a want and a need. I need to feel whole again. I need to feel like your everything. I need to feel like more. I need to feel wanted, not in the way, I need to feel like you wanna be around me, not because I ask, but because you can’t function without me.
19/ I wish to be the love of your life forever, not just your wife and mother to your kids. You are my life, my everything, my husband, only friend. What else can a girl wish for, but to be yours
20/ I Need to be the only love of your life, no exceptions. I need to feel loved and not in the way you deem right. I want more attention. I want to be treated like the ones before me, I want to be worried about, I need to be cherished. I need to be your life, like you are mine. I need to be you stars forever
My Needs are simple!!!!!! Don’t lie, hide secrets, chat to others, send porn messages to other woman. That shit hurts and kills my soul. You think it’s harmless, but that attention makes them feel special, wanted and needed. They fall for your charm, and the fall hard, as I did 30 years ago. Imagine you being in my shoes!!! Me doing all that and you must constantly worry when it will happen again. When will my life, my marriage be over!!!! Just think for one minute, how you will feel, react etc. My biggest need is to be trusting and to get rid of my bad thoughts. I’m trying and praying all day long.
Guess we all have our demons. Mine was my closest friends and they killed my free spirit, took my life into their handsandI let them destroy me, soI wouldn’tloose them or YOU.Now, I’m lost and they carrying on without me never in their thoughts. They ghosted me andI’ll survive. I always have and I always will.
Can it be better, just because yesterday was from a year before??? What makes today any different????
All I want this year, is to be treated well, respected and not be a slave to others. I want reply to my texts, to my well wishes etc. Even just a frikken thumbs up will do 👍🏻
This day I wil no longer care to show my love to others. I will no longer put my heart on my sleeve. I will be an asshole like most of the people that is supposed to love me. I hate Whats app, Facebook etc. They fuck up everything. It’s replaced true friendships, true feelings etc. I am where I am because, it’s the cause of my life failing apart.
Loving for me is endless, boundless and easy. I love hard, I give myself without thinking, no hesitation at all. I love, because I was never loved as a child. My childhood was a shit fest. I fell in love young and 30 years later I’m even more in love than I was then. How???? I guess nearly loosing your love is like loosing your life!!!!! You wake up and it’s all a blur. You wonder if you are or were loved like you love. You question your love daily. Should I love less? Should I love differently? Should I not say I love you too often? Being in love is like nothing I’ve ever felt. Do I love too intensely? Loving your children and loving your husband is a world apart. Loving your husband is a love language in its own.
Some days I feel overwhelmed and empty at the same time. I feel unloved, unliked and I know it’s not true. I’ve been so fucked over that my mind literally has a mind of its own. I know he loves me. He adores me. He cherishes me. He assured me he loves only me, but others have loved and been in love with him. That’s kills me. I cannot forget!!!!!!! I know, I know, it’s me, it’s not him. How do I get over it? How do I truly forgive????? Men love differently to woman, but I know how he loves. He worries and has an obsessive way, unfortunately it was not with me. He’s the mender of broken hearts, he’s the fixer of broken relationships, but also broke ours in the process of fixing others. It’s like being punched in the gut repeatedly and being told to breath, it’s not as bad as you think it is. It’s harmless! Yes, if you are on the receiving end, it’s great. When you are on the giving end, it’s like breathing your last breath to sustain them.
He always says “Loving you is the easy part”
Being loved is hard for me. I doubt, I worry, I wonder. I’m sorry!!!!!!!!!! Loving You is like taking a breath. It’s something I do without thinking. Guess loving my way, is the only way I know how to be.
Some days are easy, most are terribly hard. My anxiety seems better, but it’s still there. My meds seem to help a lot, but I’ll always suffer, no matter what. Like right now, he will never understand my mind. Music he shared with others triggers my angst, makes me have an internal panic attack. All the hell I try to forget floods my brain with pain, with a feeling of loss. Then again, get over it, seems to be the only solution. Please, help! How????? How do you just forget pain, how do you cut out memories that takes over my mind??????? I’m so tired of being told get over it. I’m afraid I’ll loose the battle. The day started good, an hour later and it’s falling apart. I’m scared shitless and have no idea what to do. I hate that other woman, always wants to be his friend!!!!! Like wtf, I’m his wife for F sake. You wanna friend him, you better friend me too.
In my next life, I’m not gonna have anxiety or depression. Apparently I’ll get over it! Wish it was so frikken easy. My angst is sky high. I’m afraid and I’m jealous of the woman, that always want to talk, befriend or be around him. I’m no oil painting, I’m fat and no longer a 20 something, but I’m still legally his wife and the mother to our beautiful children. My anger is disappearing, but my doubts are back. I’m struggling to wrap my head around so many things. We no longer talk. I can’t ask questions anymore. It’s called hashing up the past. I need closure more some days than others. I do not share. I’m sick of being reminded on the daily, that I’m wrong. Get over it! Walk a mile in my shoes for a week daily, and feel my angst, my pain and let see you get over it.
I still want to know why? Why me? Why my husband? What did I ever do to endure all this pain and hurt. I’ve never been unfaithful, I’ve never lied about anything. I befriend the wounded, heal their pain and they stab me so badly, that I’m worse off than any of them to start with. My prayers are the same day in and day out. I need rest. I need a lobotomy. I need to forget. I need the haters to fuck off and leave my family be. They are mine. My husband is a flirt, a joker, always happy, and has everything a woman could ever desire. He’s a lover, a friend, a shoulder to cry on. He’s always been the guy that helps others. Ladies seem to take his empathy too serious and they fall for him. Hook line and sinker. I know of at least 3, that took advantage of me and got closer to him. One was a surprise I must admit. Didn’t expect it at all. Follows him on social media. Stupid asshole. I post , so you can see he is not for sale, for rent and no, we are not getting a divorce either. I’m the type of asshole that forgives, never forgets and I’m angry. I know what you did. I’m watching you too. I think you have far more to loose than me. I took him by the balls and confirmed what I knew and he filled in the blanks. Does your family know???? Guess not.
I still cry. I’m still worry, my anxiety is always high. I’m afraid of loosing my life in the process of grief. I’m happy, sad, angry and worried all the damn time. Getting over it????? Not any time soon. I feel ugly, I am fat and I guess that’s the reason I’m not a threat to others. You see, I’m not blind! I know what I look like. I know who I am. I know I’m struggling and I’m making it work the best I know how. The love of my life, is sleeping peacefully next me. He has no idea of the war I’m fighting internally. I guess it’s better that way. I’ve never blamed him, but I wonder daily what I did and maybe still do wrong. I wanna be happy. Laugh, not just smile. Cry, not of sadness, but of happiness and relief. I want attention, I want what they gave each other. I want kind words and chattery. Sorry, I’m hashing again. What must I do wrong to get the same treatment???? Attention, obsession from you? Should I be u faithful? Should I have secret chats, phone calls??? Tell me what I must do wrong to be part of the click???
I just can not love myself. I need to hear I’m loved, I keep asking. I’m broken and I’ve lost so many pieces. I should be discarded. I understand why others think I’m replaceable. The saying is, fit in or fuck off. My way or the highway. I don’t fit anywhere. I never have. I feel like an imposter in my own life, I feel like I’m no longer needed by him or the kids. No, I’m not sorry for myself, I just say what I feel. Have I stolen 30 years of your life honey? Maybe you would have had more fun. You know what I’m talking about. I’ve got one more to go. I’m coming for you and my plans are falling into place. You don’t know me. You might think you know him, but Sophie is fierce, pissed off and over all this crap. I’ll get over it, in my own way, in my own time.
“Some people just kill the nice in you, and thrive on your misery“
My story is simple today. I’m exhausted. I feel guilty today. I feel overwhelmed, unsure, happy, sad, and a little less angry. Guilty, I’m still in bed. Dressed, not in the mood to go to work. Didn’t go for my workout. I’m drained. My mind is overwhelmed and I have to work with someone that wronged me, hurt me and ultimately broke me mentally. The worst is, it’s a “friend”
My anxiety was under control until I got surprised by seeing someone I used to care for and now I’m having nightmares and night sweats. I blame my menopause, but I know it’s the people I have to see. I no longer care for them. They are people I used to know, people that seriously just fuck up my mind and my mood when I’m around them. They like weeds…… they infiltrate my private spaces, my mind, my life and seriously want them gone. I don’t want to share my family or my life with people that only belittle me. They make me sad.
I think I’m happier now, than I’ve been in a long time. I’m finding myself, little by little and it’s a weird feeling. I don’t think I’ve ever known the real me. I’ve only ever known the person I see myself as. A child of divorce, mental abuse, abandoned by all I’ve ever trusted and loved. I’m finally meeting a new me. I am loved, I am not abandoned, I’m not a bad person. I’m a needy lonely person, not by choice, but by the choices I’ve made. The friends I’ve acquired over the years have seriously fucked up my life, my mind and killed my spirit. I can’t even count my real friends on my one hand, because I’ve too many fingers.😂 In my line of work, my clients have become my friends, some are so much more. They my family I’ve never had. I see them more, and they know more about my life, than most of my real family. That makes me happy. It makes me feel worthy.
Being happy and free is my new goal. Loving people that love me, will be my number one priority. Being verbally abused or mentally pushed, now comes to a full stop! I have been told today, that my fb posts and my little silly status updates, are important to someone and she looks forward to it daily. Now that makes me smile and cry, because I mean something to someone. My husband is my number 1 fan. He loves me, kisses me, holds me, catches me daily and keeps my broken pieces fixed. He is my world, my anchor, my saviour. Blessed is not the proper word to explain it, because it’s so much more. My demons are dying and Sophie visits me less every day. Thank you hunny bunny. You are the reason I’m still here.
Being lonely and suffering from anxiety / depression is seriously shitty. I’m lost today. Luckily Sophie keeps my mind entertained and keeps me updated on current feelings. I’m dealing, but also not. The struggle is real. I’m always last on the priorities list. I hate having no one. Knowing no one wants me, makes me so sad. I’m becoming invisible again. I’m loosing my battle. I’m always in the back of the line. Maybe I should change. Become what other people want. The problem is, I don’t play golf, tennis, cycle, dance or any of the things other normal people do. I don’t like to shop, I stopped drinking socially, because of all these meds I now take daily. I’ve become a boring mom, and wife, and there is nothing I can do about it. I do however walk, but that has now been invaded by the enemy, I’m trying to get away from.
Yes, you don’t have my disease. You don’t live in my head. You lucky, it’s not any of you. My disease was caused by trauma, from early on, and all my fears were re-activated by trauma earlier this year. Thinking you are alone is shitty, but knowing you are alone, is like a death sentence. It’s like sitting in a room full of people, and no one knows you there. People tend to see the bright and the shiney, not the dull and the sad. The only friend I have most days, is Sophie, she’s my only constant that sees me every day, and leads me to places I should not venture. Being alone and lonely sucks
Yesterday, Was my day. My day was planned, I was excited. My kids and I were ready for a fun day, until we saw her in the crowd. She wasn’t meant to be there. Starts by saying, “Surprise” I think I vomited In My mind at that moment. I walk to rid myself of depressive feelings. I walk to be alone. I walk to cry, to curse, to pray, to be free, and here it feels like I’ve just walked into a prison. My anxiety spiked, my rage and anger flared. I was upset, and all I wanted was to be able to run, but my body isn’t there yet. In my mind, I run like the wind. I run from my mind. I hate the way my “friend” talks to me. She thinks she’s better than me. Maybe she is, but she can run to hell for all I care. Nobody understands loneliness, until you are truly alone. No one understands being afraid or hurt, until it happens to you. Anxiety is worse than I can ever explain. I hurt my family the most. I’m miserable, I’m sad, I’m ugly, and I stress about everything. Every time I see the people that hurt me, I’m back to day 1. I don’t want to go to places, or shops, just because I’m scared I have to see or bump into them.
The worst is, that my so called friends, private chatted to our husbands in our group. Apparently being lonely and single justified their actions. They fucked up my life and now others too. Some wives don’t mind, one even says she doesn’t care. Like who the fuck says that! My husband is mine. Sharing is not caring! Go be skanks somewhere else. Loneliness can become ugly, scary even. I refuse to be the lonely type that talks to toxic people or that tries to ruin marriages and friendships. Therefore after yesterday, I’ll still keep Sophie around. Just like I had an imaginary friend growing up, I can have one growing old. People that I thought I loved, and knew, truly are just people I used to know. Find your own friends if you lonely, I did
Most of my “friends“ never wanted me, they only wanted my family and I fucking hate them now.
Nooooooo, I’m not angry today. I’m just thinking out aloud. My therapist suggested I put my feelings on paper, in my case, Ipad, but whose looking right. I’ve had so many ups and downs this year, but stupid me, I Was even more gullible than I ever thought I could be. I’m generally the straight thinker, the sum you up in 5 minutes flat kinda person. I see your bullshit before you smell it. My mind is a vault, of files. I store too much, and I guess my storage got full and I didn’t buy extra space. I’ve since decided to delete unwanted people and photos, memories and fun times, but I’m still struggling to delete the bad and the sad. Slow and steady wins the race. I saw someone said, unplug, reboot and restart. That’s my next step.
I was born a worrier, and not a warrior. I am and will always be compassionate and caring, but my warrior spirit is starting to shine through. I’ve pressed delete a few times, and my heart dropped, my anxiety spiked, my brain had a mini stoke, but I’m still here, and they gone. I survived, I’m still here, not missing them at all. Yes, I wonder most days why me. Why do I attract people that use me, for most things. My husband says I vent. Calls my anxiety a disease. I’m trying to get better. I’m trying to forget. My passion is people. I love to talk, listen, and cry with anyone. I’m ok. Who needs enemies, with a circle of friends like we used to have, or know. They used me, now they talk shit, they ignore, they gone. Today, I know, friends, can be poison and they kill you ever so slowly. My few friends I have today, is my choice, and that’s that. I will never be bullied into false, worthless friendships ever again.