My Green Monster Died, Yesterday – I KNOW it was Time!!

” Letting Go – is the purest and simplest way, to self help. No one “Thing” or “Person” will ever replace what you let go, but sometimes a cleanse is as good as a holiday”

I think I only have 2 people that know about my green monster. It used to be a running joke for a long time. It was my companion in many situations in my life. It kept me sane when I was hurt, angry,and when my friends treated me like I was nothing. So, my green monster showed up again, yesterday, for a little while and I decided it was time for an early grave. MY hell is a constant internal battle and my green monster turned evil over time. No all green monsters are cute and cuddly like the 1 eyed one from monsters Inc.

Sometimes it’s the people in your life, that is the green monster and you think and then believe it’s actually you!!!!!WHY???? Because your anxiety tells you, convinces you, it has to be YOU!!!!!! I know way too many Narcissistic people and by God, they are toxic. They steal your life force and turns it all back onto you. Being Toxic is the new HAPPY for so many people.

This morning I had no desire to wake up or even get up, but I did. I went about my day as normal. Coffee, School run, coffee, exercise, more coffee and finally some work. most days are hard for me. I struggle with loneliness and I immediately feel abandoned. I had a slow day, and no one to talk to. I cried most of my day. I cried at work, I cried in the car, I cried when I got home, cried in the shower, cried, when I got into bed and cried the most when I was on the phone with my husband. I cry in my sleep!!!!!! I’ve now realized, I’m the biggest fool. It’s never been about ME. I’m just a filler, when others are lonely or need company. Guess the same does not apply to me.

I’ve changed so much. I’m 1/4 the person i used to be, mentally anyway (working on the body) Hoping my mind will follow. My sadness hurts my family, so I try and avoid them. My kids are worried, I see it, I know it. I can just not get out of this slump I’m in. If only I could delete some years and some people. Suppose, I would rather delete myself instead. I don’t like hurting others. YES, I’m a mater for punishment, I’m stupid and no, I’m not feeling sorry for myself.

I’m just someone I used to know.

My thoughts are cloudy today and grey, just like the sky today. My heart aches and my soul hurts. My mind is blank and busy at the same time. It’s so funny. My body hurts from being anxious all the time, Sleep is for the dead and Food is for the birds. Today i’m hanging on by a thread and i have no one to catch me when I fall. My thoughts are scary. I’m doubting everyone and everything. I’ve decided, when we old and grey, i’m dying 1st. I would never survive an hour alone.

“THANK YOU LORD FOR KEEPING ME SANE AND TELLING ME I STILL HAVE A PURPOSE IN LIFE”

DEDICATED TO ALL THE LOST AND LONELY SOULS OUT THERE